Since moving from Seoul to Colorado Springs last September, I have been in international (almost) demand as a house sitter. Several family friends travel regularly for work or play, or both at the same time if they’re strategic, and when you know a single female with no object permanence regarding home who works remotely, you snatch her up. (Fellows, take note.) At one point, I think I was three-timing some people. (Is it too late now to say not sorry?)

     Now that my road trip is imminent, and I’ll be out of town for a solid four months, I’m off the housesitting hook indefinitely. Bad news for these people, since I’m the best; good news for you, dear reader, because you get to hear my deepest darkest secrets in this exclusive, tell-all post.

• The golden rule is thou shalt not open any unopened foods or finish any opened foods, although food with an expiration date that falls within the housesitting dates is the exception. If you’re a family who leaves expired food around after the expiration date, you can bet I’ll get rid of it for you, either into my mouth or the garbage disposal. You’re welcome.
• I did eat all of your butter. That was me.
• I once overdosed on Niacin while I was housesitting, because I like to try new supplements when I get the chance. Nothing life threatening happened, but I did feel like I had a 100 degree fever and that my skin was on fire from millions of tiny ants. I also turned a rich purply-red color.
• Being a housewife is hard. I used to swear that I would never do it, because of some antiquated second-wave feminist ideas I had about what it means to be a woman, but now I’ve decided against it anew, mostly just because it’s such hard work. I should also note that I have not had any experience doing this job involving either children or a husband. I guess what I’m saying is that just being a houseperson is hard enough.
• I stress about your stuff as much as you do. Whether it’s dreams that your dog is sick and my teeth are falling out, or that I added gasoline instead of water to the pool by accident, even my subconscious is working overtime to make sure that when you get back, the cat still has all her hair and no one has stolen your prescription medications.
• I want to be you when I grow up. Even though I like to pretend that all of the luxuries of home life aren’t for me, there’s nothing that makes me consider my current 401k plan (haha, what 401k plan?), my love life (haha, what love life?), or my career path (haha, what career path?) quite as much as the beautiful lives that you’ve built for yourselves and your families.